But, what happens after that?

When I was younger, I had an extreme fascination or shall I say fear, of death. I mean sure, I'm still afraid of dying, but the age of ten and eleven it was just nerve racking. I'd lie awake in my bed all night, eyes wide open and mind wondering. You see, it wasn't the whole 'being dead factor' that was scaring me. It was the fact that I didn't know how it... worked. I had so many questions and no one had answers.

Wow, it all sounds so silly now but at that point in my life, it was just horrifying. Little Rayzha couldn't handle or get over the fact that once you were gone... you were gone. Seriously... gone; off spending the rest of eternity six feet under. If I could, I would relay the old questions to you, verbatim. But to tell you the truth, I really can't. And, I'm sure that it's not because I forgot. I'm thinking that maybe... just maybe they've been stored under lock and key inside of my head somewhere. As if my brain was trying to rid me of the confusion and worry. Like under serious lock and key as to make sure that I don't relive that phase. Well, not until I was ready to handle such a thing. I can tell you now; the whole death thing went on for like a year and a half. It was dark... extremely freaky and well... I never found those answers that I longed for.

Actually, I can think of some of those questions: What happens next? I mean in all seriousness what happens when I'm dead? Is it like staring at a black wall? What about my whole thought process; will I actually realize that I'm dead? Would people remember me? After twenty years buried, would they still care? It was just little stuff like that. And then, each question would branch out to another until soon enough I was just overwhelmed. When it got to that point, I was crying myself to sleep every night just because I still DIDNT HAVE ANSWERS! I'm the type of person who has to have background information on what I'll be forced to go through. I've always had and probably always will hate being in the dark on something. And then the fact that I was to actually one day, DIE, as in fail to exist was well... killing me.

I know, I know. As you read this, it might not sound as intense as it was for me at that point. As a matter of fact, I don't even know why I chose to blog about this today. The topic just seemed to pop into my mind. Hah, so much for the lock and key idea.